How do you know if you are critical of yourself?
Take this test; if you answer "yes" to any of these, you might want to think about being kinder to yourself.
Do you take things too seriously?
Are you always letting yourself down?
Do you struggle with thinking everyone is judging you too harshly?
Are you afraid to fail?
Do you overanalyze your every move?
Do you lie in bed at night and replay the day in your mind, coming up with things you did wrong?
Do you over-criticize your looks, voice, or choices in life?
Do you harbor a lot of negative beliefs about yourself?
Are you an extreme overachiever, or do you feel defeated before you even start?
Do you wonder if you are smart enough, capable enough, cute enough, or whatever enough?
Do you judge yourself against others, especially the ideal version of others?
Do you give up on challenges quickly, fearing you won’t be successful?
Do you fixate on failures long after they’re over?
Does your self-talk consist of harsh criticism and generalizations?
When situations don’t go as planned, you blame yourself.
Do you keep commitments to everyone but yourself?
Do you lack good self-care habits, or are your habits too extreme? Overexercising or not taking care of yourself, for example
Do you beat yourself up when you make a mistake?
It is human nature to be hard on ourselves.
We are all hard on ourselves sometimes. We live in a world of high competition. From a young age, we are taught to compete with one another. While casual competition can be “healthy,” we often see it become too extreme. We have all been to a children’s soccer match and seen parents taking it all a little too seriously. We can develop extreme beliefs about competition, leading to being too hard on ourselves if we aren't the best at everything. We can take a defeat too hard, and it can quickly go from a learning tool to a negative internal belief. This can be easily seen when applying to college. The extreme competition to get into a university begins in grade school. We signal to our children that if they aren't exceptional, do these extracurriculars, apply for these internships, and take these classes, they will fail. That is not at all true and too extreme for children to develop healthy self-beliefs. You can almost bet that if we are parents putting these ideals on our children, we are probably too hard on ourselves as well.
20 things you can do to feel more confident
Practice self-compassion: Be as kind, gentle, and loving to yourself as you would your best friend. When something happens, stop and think: What would I do for them right now if this were my BFF? What would I say? How would I encourage and support them? Then, apply this practice to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Learn to love yourself, flaws and all.
Set realistic expectations: Sometimes, you will make mistakes, mess up, or not win. It is perfectly okay. Many other people are doing the same. You are not the only one. Stop and imagine other people’s situations that aremaybe even more dire than yours.
Apply mindfulness principles: Focus on the present moment. Don't start imagining what could happen in the negative future. Don’t look at everything by imagining a negative outcome.
Stop comparing yourself to others: This can be hard for some folks, but try to avoid looking at your social media feed and comparing yourself to others. Stop comparing yourself to folks at work, when trying on clothes, or when ordering food.
Journal your thoughts: Sometimes, it is easier to see what you think when you write it down. I am always amazed at the things I write down when free-flow journaling. Try a journaling exercise where you can only write about topics and situations through a positive lens.
Depending on your needs, find a healer, coach, or therapist. Coaches can be helpful when you consider the changes you need to make as goals.
Surround yourself with positivity: Be around supportive people, read positive news stories, and watch feel-good stories. I balance any hard news story with a feel-good news story because we can so easily find ourselves only looking at negative news, like I was doing, and then having that obsession bleed into how we see the world. We start to view the world as terrible and go to hell rather than seeing the good out there.
Challenge negative thoughts when you have them: Ask yourself what positive outcome might occur, or if the situation were neutral, what would that look like?
Use positive affirmations: I have many podcasts on this topic. When used regularly, positive affirmations can change your overall outlook, negative self-talk, and happiness levels.
Give your inner critic a funny name, like “negative Nelly,” “little troublemaker,” or “clown.” Maybe you even want to get a representation of the name you give your inner critic so that it can remind you not to take that voice seriously. I have a figurine on my desk that represents my critic. When I hear my negative Nelly, I look at my figurine and say things like, "You don't know what you are talking about," or "Don't be silly that it's ridiculous!"
Avoid the spotlight effect. Don’t think everything you say and do is seen and heard by others. Many things aren't noticeable, but we tend to think everyone saw our sweaty palms or fidgeting or that everyone is interpreting something we said super critically. Think about being on a blind date; you are worried about everything! Your looks, what you say, how you walk, what you order, how you laugh, what you say about yourself. This is the spotlight effect, thinking that your date is thinking about you with a highly critical mind rather than not even noticing half of what you did or said.
Allow yourself some time to feel bad, but set a timer, and when it goes off, shift to moving forward again. Let it go.
Expand your definition of success and what it means to you. Maybe success is not winning the top prize in the pie-making contest. Maybe success is following through on entering the contest and making a pie.
Let go of the fear of trying or failure. Allow yourself to go out of your comfort zone. Learn something new, say something at a meeting, introduce yourself to people you don’t know, smile at strangers, and let go of imagining what other people think.
Define outcomes more generally. Define outcomes generally and not specifically. Maybe fixing a problem at work doesn’t get you noticed by the CEO, but it does give you value within your team. Broaden what positive outcomes might be. Maybe you aren’t a top salesperson this month, but you made a valuable connection.
Celebrate success, large and small. This is a big one. It helps you retrain your brain from a narrow path of success to a broader, more expansive highway where many beautiful things can happen. It also helps cultivate happiness and fulfillment.
Redefine success in terms of smaller, more obtainable goals. Instead of having a lofty goal, success might be just putting yourself out there. Over time, the small goals may lead to the big ones. For example, having goals around being a solid and reliable team player and leader might lead you to the desired promotion.
Develop good self-care practices. These could include meditation, exercise, wearing a face mask while you watch your favorite TV show, going to bed early when you feel tired, or taking the time to read, even if it is in the middle of the day.
Go on a date with yourself on time per month. Do exactly what you want to do. Find places to seek inspiration. Go for a hike in your favorite park or window shopping after you hit your favorite coffee place. Do something just for yourself.
Lastly, it is okay to be proud of yourself. This doesn’t mean being self-centered, but it is entirely OK to be proud of yourself. That is part of celebrating your achievements. Many of us, myself included, were taught that pride was not a virtue. Sure, I can accept that, but I also think it is good to take time to celebrate when you work hard to achieve a goal. The secret is to remain mindful and avoid becoming judgmental of others or self-absorbed.
Change takes time. Remember to be kind to yourself!
There you have it—20 ways to curb your need to be too hard and overcritical of yourself.
I hope some of these work for you. Remember, change takes time. Keep going. If you stop, it's okay; start again. If you fall back into old habits, catch yourself and shift. You can do this. I believe in you! I support you, and I love you, and you got this!
Want to explore this more deeply? Book a free exploratory meeting with me! https://www.julianajbruno.com/book-online
Learn more by listening to my Podcast! https://linktr.ee/i.care.about.you.podcast
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